If you can't beat them
by Doctah Sawbones
Summary: An anomaly has entered one of the TFI universes. It's my job to eradicate it. Part one of Sawbones Guide.


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Viewpoint - Sawbones

Location - Universe TFI-17856

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Alright, let's bring you readers up to date on this situation.

I'm currently terrorizing the living shit out of this alternate.

It's not actually me, but there's lot's of alternates. It's technically me. Y'know. The interesting part of quantum physics.

Whatever. With all these alternates around, there will be different versions of me. Especially power hungry ones. Those ones are literally loaded guns.

I don't fear guns anymore. If I were to specifically count how many bullets I've taken, I'd go insane. IDA told me to go fuck myself when I asked for assistance on defeating myself. Thanks a lot there, Zedekiah. Love ya man. Hope one of me tries to stick a saw up your ass, but I'm not nearly that dumb. I've got other risks to take.

You might wonder how us Sawbones' classify each other. It's somewhat simple, and the system causes a ton of fights to break out, which always ends up being hilarious. We base each other on our standing, using the Alignment Chart, sorta using coordinates. As a chaotic good, I'd be 3-1. Chaotic:Good.

I betcha that if you looked hard enough, you'd find a list somewhere. (You can ask me questions on tumblr, just look for sawbones311, I'll answer nearly everything.) I'm the first recorded Chaotic Good, so my coords are followed with a one. Sawbones 3-1-1. Snazzy.

Enough about me, look at this guy, trying to kill all of the Team Fortress cast. The idiot didn't count in respawn.

Sawbones 3-3-1479 is a complete dumbass. He's supposed to be a bone-type, but he aborted the timeline and cancelled his magic, and tried to destroy the alternate with mechanics alone.

He succeeded, surprise, surprise. He's a minor threat to anyone even someone proficient at using ranged weaponry, and a marshmallow to someone who isn't affected by electricity.

Or a little bug to a high-power justice-fueled maniac.

Or a blade of grass to a turbo-charged adamantium-bladed lawn mower.

Nah, I've gotta stop being silly. He's dead meat though. Technology can't trump magic all that easily. Only one of us has actually managed that. I think that 1-3-2 managed to cut down one of the lawful originals with technology. He got squashed by the neutrals though.

The only person that actually gets along with us that can stop us is Damian, 2-2-1's best friend. Or, you could just call him Sawbones. 2-2-1 is the Original after all. Neutral-Neutral-Original. The very first one. He actually met Damian in an HECU van from his original universe.

And then his universe was destroyed. With him in it.

Anywho, there's the little bugger right there. You can tell he hasn't gotten his magic. He's human, and he's average height. The bone types are all short, while the human types are all tall. As in six-foot-eleven tall.

He's also trying to fill the RED team with supercharged cartridges. What a waste. Might as well use normal bullets on these people, as they come back.

Unless he actually knows about respawn, and is using data scrambler cartridges.

Looks like the RED Pyro is melting, so, yes.

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Viewpoint - RED Medic

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Dieser dumme Idiot!

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This stupid idiot!

It's almost as if he doesn't even realize we have respawn!

Oh… What the actual hell. It seems he figured it out, Pyro's melting. Unless of course Pyro just tuned her flamethrower improperly.

I doubt she'd do that, though. She has a "finesse" when it comes to heat.

I haven't met an injury the medigun can't heal yet!

As I train the beam onto Pyro, she starts to solidify into a normal person again.

A hand grabs my shoulder once Pyro is solid again, and I flip around to intercept the person grabbing me. It's a person that looks exactly like me.

It must be the BLU Medic! He's the only person who looks like me!

Wait, he's wearing green clothing. What does this mean for the teams?

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Viewpoint - Sawbones

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The RED Medic looks to be in a panic over my clothing. How odd.

"Doc, you need to get your team over to your base, I'll deal with the maniac.

The Medic slowly nodded, and rushed off to tell his teammates, not even bothering to question me.

Let's deal with a messed up version of me.

I summon a saw into my hand, made of refined steel, so it shines.

I see the glint of the scope on him, and he raises it to aim at me.

I see the angle of his weapon, how he's holding it, and how tense his arms are.

He's ready to fire.

And I'm ready to retaliate.

His arms tense even more, and I raise the saw like a barrier. The saw rises to my chest just as he pulls the trigger, and the shot flies through my right leg.

He knew I was going to calculate where he would aim, and flinched on purpose to hit somewhere else.

What a smart little bugger.

I collapse to the ground, due to not being able to support most of my weight with one leg.

Maybe going in heavily armored was a bad idea.

A shot hits the breast of my labcoat, and reflects off.

Maybe the armor was a good idea.

I try to raise myself, as my leg slowly heals. No bullet, the one disadvantage to using a laser rifle, and that leaves me able to completely heal.

His next shot is aimed at my face, which I manage to reflect with the saw.

I strafe behind cover, and make my way towards him.

I run from behind cover, which is about twenty meters away from him, and he tries to shoot at me.

The shot misses me by a few centimeters, as I duck and roll to the right.

I make it within melee range, and he swings at me with the butt of the gun.

I grab it just before it makes contact with my chin.

To my surprise, he swings the gun out of my grasp and smashes me in the chest with it.

I fall to the ground, and try to catch myself, only to fall further to my elbows.

He raises the gun to point at my head.

"If you think that a simple attack would stop me, you're wrong."

His arm tenses as he pulls the trigger.

The gun flies out of his arms.

My sight flies over to where the gun landed, to see it sparking and crackling.

A blue glow appears from the left, along with one to the right.

The two Medic's are Übercharging their teammates.

A RED Soldier and a BLU Heavy.

Bullets blaze from the left, and several rockets glowing a scarlet red fly from the right.

The man in front of me seems to move in a blur as he catches a critical rocket and tries to throw it back at the RED team.

Not today.

"Time, stop."

Everything freezes as I stand and walk towards the rocket stuck in mid-air. I grab it, and time reverts back to normal.

3-3-1479 flinches in surprise to my vanishing act.

He flinches even more when I dash towards him and smash the rocket into his mouth.

He tries to dodge backwards, but the rocket stays with him and explodes, shattering his skull and splattering his brain everywhere.

I turn around and dissolve the saw.

"Alright, you two groups may continue your war. Have fun!"

Saws erupt from the pack on my back, and I dash upwards into the sky.

Guess even a genius can't account for everything.

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Time Skip - Forwards three hours

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"Hey, OG, the special equipment really helped today." I release the hem of my labcoat, which the radio is attached to.

"Is that so? I guess our first test was a success!" I raise my eyebrows at his statement.

"You're telling me that I was sent on a possibly lethal mission with experimental equipment."

"Yeppers! I got a group of 1-2's to help me with the time stopping mechanics the bone types seem to have." I enter the large meeting room as he finishes his statement.

The man sitting at the end of the empty table looks up at my entrance, and flashes a smirk.

"Is there even any lawful bone types?" He smiles gravely at my statement.

"Just like us, they can be almost anything."


End file.
